Jen’s Journey

Well, I sunk down into that place of  binging and gaining and apathy.   Felt like I hit rock bottom this morning when after 4 hours of sleep I felt full and naseaus from my previous days binge on junk.  Going on for days and days promising myself that tomorrow I will start anew tomorrow.  Well, it happened, and me being the control freak I sometimes am, wanted to erase everything and start all over.  I am not even saying that is a bad thing, but for me it is.  So I stumbled, I am back up now and that is the point.  Fighting like hell to be the best person that I can be.  Getting to the strong when it feels like I only want to show the weak.  This time I am not going to start my account all over again, erase the data fomr my Wii Fit, where it shows 100+ days and i know I haven’t been on it the last 30 to 40 of those.  It is ALL part of my journey, the failures and the successes.  I just need to learn to be present and know that it is all okay.  And I can fight for the things I want.  There is no shame in being human, no shame in falling, no need to work this thing for anyone but me.  Because working this hard for me, helps me to help others.  I fell down.  It took me a minute, but I am back up!

Much Love

New C25K thread is up for November.  Any buddies here who would like to join this thread are welcome.  This program is awesome and we have a few people committed to the program but have their own twists to make it work for them.  It really can build you up to being a runner!!  I am going to re-start this program on Monday.  Welcome to anyone who wants to try this

Man, in the middle of the night all you have is your thoughts.  I know I have been floundering bad the last 3 or 4 week.  Not to a point where I have really had a bad gain, but enough where it has made it hard to pull back up and get the intense focus that was driving me from day 1.  I know the key to all this misery of late is in my thoughts and attitude.  I have to turn them back around.  It is sooo weird that you can have it all figured out in some moments and then at some later point, boom, CHAOS.  Why is that?  After all, it is all in your head.  I AM BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Here is the link to my latest weigh-in vlog.  I am down 1 lb. this week which is great!  I am feeling much better emotionally too.  Last week was hard, I was just feeling very…………disorganized.  I am still just trying to keep my mind straight because for me, if my mind is right, everything else just follows suit.  Much love!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z08CA6iqkvg

Warning:  Just feelings I have to get out of my head.   Kind of rambled and not alot of sense.   

I am doing this the right way!

I am changing for life! 

It will not all happen overnight!

My attitude is everything!  I have to let these negative emotions fall away!  I have too.

I am good right now.  I do not need to be so damn hard on myself if I fall down.

I can get back up right away.  I can control my emotions.

I am not a victim. 

Sometimes it is okay to feel a little sad, or angry, what is not okay is for me to let these emotions rule me.  I have emotions, but I also have control.  If I lose control, I DO have the ability to gain it back ASAP.

MOST OF ALL.  I LOVE ME!!

I really needed this out of my head, I feel like lately I have had a hard time with just being present.  I have to remember to be present.  i have to forgive myself if I screw up, and I have to learn and move forward.   I am strong.  I AM STRONG

I LOVE ME NOW!! NOW!!!  I love me enough to make better choices, Stop beating yourself up for every little thing.  Life is now.  I love me.

I am scared of my weigh in on Monday, but I have to get over that.  My weight is not everything I am.  Man these last few days have been hard……….I know it will get better.

Namaste

6/29/09-232lbs

9/15/09-218lbs

Front View

6/29/099/15/09

Side View

6/29/099/15/09

Back View

6/29/099/15/09

These Represent -14 lbs.  I am so happy, I know the change is subtle, but it’s a change.  Much Love!!!

I have been back to BS now for approx. 3 months.  I will not waver from this site.  I tried the Spark People, but it just was not for me.  I may not have given it a fair shake b/c I was already here.  Either way.  I am of Iron resolve with this part of my life, and this journey.  That said.

We all know there are people who are here all the time and then there are the people who have come and gone.  I was one of those people.  I came to BS at the beginning of this year, but dropped off for a long time.  I just want all you guys to know, I do try to keep up with you all.  And all you regulars know who you are.  I am sorry sometimes I do not do the best at that.  I am part of a team here, and a fitness challenge thread.   C25K (Plug this real quick)  If you are a runner or are doing this program, we would love to hear about you on this thread.

As well, some of you may know, I recently started doing Vlogs.  Now I know there is a whole weight loss community on YouTube as well.  The reason I wanted to start Vlogging was to kind of be honest with myself about where I am and to kind of have a really good picture and word journal for myself.

Sorry this turned out so long.  I just wanted to say this.  I love you guys!  And I am sorry if I miss blogs and do not offer as much support as I should sometimes.  There are so may blogs to go through sometimes.   And I also just wanted to thank you all.  There is a great group of people here.   Anyway,  I think I got my point across.  I am not a veteran here, but I really do love all you guys for the support you have given me.  We are all on a journey to change our lives, we all share this.

Namaste

That’s right, I hit my very first mini goal.  I gotta new thumbs up!!!  Yee-haw.  My new vlog is up.  Here is the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnA6FfXMgrI

Much Love

That’s right, I got my red star, I got my red star!!!!  Go Jennifer, Go Jennifer, it’s ya birthday!   LOL.  Anyway I am actually only a half pound away from my mini goal.  So we will see next Monday.  Here is a link to my Video Blog

http://www.youtube.com/user/blueverucasalt#play/uploads/0/Cv9QWBApWGU

Warning:  I did do my monthly “body shot”

Well another week is coming to an end, and I am ready for this weekend. That said, after the weekend, on Monday morning is weigh in day.  My goal for any given week is to lose a1/2 lb.  Any more than that is a bonus and I will be happy with the extra loss.  I am just making sure that I am not thinking in terms of a diet so much as changing how I eat for life, hence, the 1/2 lb per week goal.  Soooo….to get to the point.  I am really looking forward to getting my red star!!  I am down 9 lbs. so far and have my little white star.  Since our weigh-in will not take 1/2 lb. increments, and my scale will weigh in 1/2 lb. increments, if I weigh 222.5 in the scale I usually round up when I enter my weight here.  So last weigh in I was 222.5 but put it in as 223.  So if this weigh in I am 222 or less, I will get my red star!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  We will see on Monday.

Much Love, and have WONDERFUL weekend :) :) :) :)